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Health & Fitness

Mom vs. Dad: How Many Sets of Rules in Your Household?

"But DADDY lets me do it!" What happens when Mom and Dad have different rules?

In my last blog, we chatted about the varying philosophies governing the behavior of children in restaurants. I received interesting feedback from both sides of the table, but one reader's comment inspired me. 

This mother had expectations of her sons' behavior in a restaurant, but her husband did not support her in enforcing them. Now, while I tend to agree with Mom on this one, what intrigued me the most was that there seems to be two different sets of expectations of the children in this household. I must say that I know more than a few families in which the parents function differently from each other, and I wonder how this plays out on a daily basis.

In the majority of the traditional families I know, Mom usually runs the show and dishes out the discipline. Other times, Dad is in left in charge and either upholds Mom's rules or chooses to implement his own. But deeper investigation reveals that many parents in the same household actually choose to parent differently from each other. I'm not talking about a 'good cop' 'bad cop' strategy here, rather two separate sets of rules depending on which parent is present at the time. This begs the question: How does this play out with the kids? 

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My conversations have led me to believe that there are varying outcomes in a situation where each parent has their own philosophy. Sometimes the kids just fall in line, knowing what each parents' boundaries are. Other times, they resist or attempt to play one parent against the other.  "...but Daddy let's me do it!!!"  However in yet another scenario, the kids seem somewhat confused about who is in charge and tend to challenge BOTH sets of rules. 

In our household, both parents present an united front. My husband and I have agreed that, in the event we disagree over a certain kid-centric issue, we hold a private caucus and make a decision we both agree to uphold. Even if we may not agree entirely, we try to maintain the same policies just for solidarity's sake... and to keep our kids from working us over. 

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We save our deep conversations to hash out the issues for when the kids are asleep or elsewhere, and then we really try to figure out what's best- or perhaps just whose convictions are stronger about a certain topic.  For us at least, our kids know they will get the same answer from Mom OR Dad and know that any consequences of their actions will be consistently applied or enforced. We don't know if it's right or wrong, but since we're outnumbered, its a strategy we're sticking to.

So dear Dublin, I ask you: How many sets of rules are there in YOUR household?  Additionally, if Mom and Dad disagree, how is the matter settled? I find this tends to be the front runner in terms of fodder for marital squabbles, but I'm not clear as to the general consensus. What works for you? What doesn't? And what about families where there are multiple households?  Do you and your partner share a parenting philosophy, or do you just 'play it by ear'? 

I look forward to your engaging replies, and encourage you all to take a moment to stop and reflect on the strategies you engage in your own families.  Thanks for reading!

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